Walking the dogs this morning in the cold rainy darkness, I found a cat on the street, barely alive. She was panting like it was difficult for her to breathe. She was a small calico cat, all wet and miserable.

I had a problem with the dogs, I couldn’t just let go of their leashes, so I tied them to the cable that supports a light pole.

I went back to the cat and held her paw. She made a little meow sound. I was going to move her off the street so that the next car that came by didn’t run over her. But I thought I might be the one killing her, if she had a spinal injury.

Very lightly, I traced my finger down her spine, it felt ok. I gently picked her up and moved her into some thick brown grass away from the road. She made a sound just like our cats when you move them because they’re laying where you want to sit.

I got the dogs, who were getting loose because of the crappy knot I had tied. We walked up the road a little ways, visualizing how I was going to take her to the vet, how I would call the vets emergency number, which box I’d use to make the bed to carry the cat there.

When I got back to her, she had moved a little from the spot I laid her in, but she was dead. I put my hand on her and told her I was sorry, and I hoped she met all my cats in heaven.

I tried to remember all the cats of my life: Marshmallow, named by my sister, Blackie 1&2, when I had two black cats and thought there was only one. Abus, in Hawaii, Toby, who moved to Cayman with me. Shadow, Albie, LT, all from this house.

Cats usually just disappear, and you never know what happened to them. I guess they know they’re going to die and run away. It’s not nice to see a cat suffering, wet and dirty like this morning. Cats are very clean and confident and they have it all together.

We now have 5 outdoor cats and 1 indoor cat. I sure do hope none of them ever end up on the side of the road like that cat this morning.

I hope somebody misses the cat I found today, maybe bury her and have a funeral. I hope she was loved, and had a good life and spent time sunning and laying on someones lap, purring while they stroked her soft fur.

I’ll probably go bury her this afternoon if she’s still there.

This morning made me very sad..