Sunday night

I was trying to watch a movie, but I couldn’t find one I liked. I have dozens. If I had only one it would be easier to pick one.
I like to press the “next blog” button and see where it goes. I like the ones that are just people writing what is going on. I was reading about a girl who went to the psychiatrist today about her medicine. I admire her honesty. Then I accidentially closed the window and lost it.
I am cooking chicken in frying pan. It is pretty messy. The chicken was frozen and it isn’t cooking right and seems to be taking a lot more time than I thought it would.
I gotta be the most boring person in the world. Everyone else has friends, everyone elses phone rings all the time and they are busy. I spend all my time alone and have no close friends who I confide in.My phone never rings unless it’s work.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life. I live where I want to live and I do what I love to do, I just wish I had someone to do it with. 14 years ago, I quit drugs and alcohol. All the time I was partying, all I wanted was a girl who liked to do drugs and party. I could never find a party girl who wanted to be with me. Now, I live in a beautiful tropical paradise and I love the beach and the sun and the sea and diving. One would think it would be easy, here, to find someone who likes the same thing, but noooooo. The women who like what I like don’t seem to want to have anything to do with me.
I go to the beach almost every day and go diving a lot, (but I don’t go diving as much as I’d like, ’cause it’s hard to find a dive buddy). I have a great job. But everywhere I go and whatever I do and whoever I am with I feel different and alone. I think I am happy and have a good life but how do I know? compared to what? I think my life is really great except for one facet: I am lonely. I spend way too much time alone and when I’m alone with myself I drive myself deeper and deeper into this pit. When I am alone I start telling myself how nobody likes me and how fucked up I am. When I get with other people I feel better.
I am extemely self centered and focus too much on myself, I feel better when I don’t focus on myself so much. But why? Is it because when I look at myself I see how bad I really am and when I don’t look I feel better because I don’t see it? But I don’t know anything so terrible about myself.
I don’t know. My life is going by and it’s good but not right. I’m 44, no kids. My mother makes quilts for my sisters friends kids (and grandkids) because she doesn’t have any grandkids of her own. She’s been ripped off by me. When I was younger, I always wanted kids, now I’m so old that if I had kids now I’d be almost 65 by the time they graduated high school. I don’t really want kids any more, but love them. Kids are born perfect and adults fuck them up.
Also I don’t want to be his freaky old hermit bastard who lives alone and who nobody really knows when I am older either, which is what I see coming.
freeking recluse is almost what I am.

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