I didn’t plan on writing a poem when I sat down to post my post, but here goes:

Every single damn year, 
I feel the same fear.
It hurts in my head
from ear through to ear.
It's dumb, you agree,
but it's important to me.
That I buy you more shit,
than you bought for me.

Worry fills my head
No joy, only dread.
I transmit bad vibes
like angry bee hives.
Everyone can tell
that I don't feel well
Dogs and cats they all run,
they sense I'm no fun.


Friends and family will ask,
"What did you get?"
Your answer must not
fill me with regret.
So I must buy still more stuff,
to feel I've given enough.
To get you more shit,
than you got for me.

The morning will come,
I'll feel very dumb.
You will be sad,
I'll feel so bad.
whether or not
I got more shit for you,
than you got for me.

The wife and I agreed, months ago, this was going to be a no-gift Christmas. What if I followed through and she didn’t? What if we wake up on the morning and I have to open gifts while she has none to open?

I fukken hate this shit. I hate the feeling in general this time of year. I hate the pressure of trying to find appropriate gifts. I hate acting like I like some piece of junk that I don’t need or want, and being stuck with it forever. I hate the self-doubt of getting you something you don’t like. I hate that I’ll feel bad if I feel like I didn’t get you enough, and I hate the worry that you’ll feel bad if I got you more than you got me. I find very little good in this time of year. There’s no winning.

And usually, I never feel like I’ve gotten enough. Usually I run out of time. No matter how much I buy, the fear never goes away.

Believe me whan I say, I have everything I want. I have no desires that can be put in a box. Believe me when I say, someone asks me what I want, I draw a blank. I honestly can’t think of anything. And I can’t think of anything to get you either.

Pretty much up till now, this year, I’ve been focused on the building project, and woke up thinking of this this morning.

Get me through this.