ive been going through (another) period where there seems to be no topics for me to post about, or, I don’t like the posts I post.
Ive gotten to the point where I’m going to accept being single. I’ve asked everybody I’m interested in out, they all said no, there’s nobody.
Seems like
I’m 63, I don’t want to be looking for a girlfriend like some teenager, I want to be in an established marriage. The fact that I’m in a situation where I’m looking for a partner is embarrassing and humiliating.
It was a good weekend. Friday I was off work. I helped our Rabbi build a Sukkah for Sukkot. Saturday was my third of four Home Gardening Course sessions and Sunday I had friends and their puppy over for dawgie play day and burgers on the grill. My house is nice and clean right now. A true rarity.
All of a sudden, some of the girls at the yoga place want to hook me up with their single friends. This is exciting but also makes me a little nervous. On one hand, I’d feel better finding my own girl, on the other they might do better than I would. Also I ask myself if I’m ready. I guess I’m ready to start at the beginning, not jump in the deep end.
Anyway, most of the things I worry about never happen, so ..
When I tell someone my divorce is final they usually say “congratulations”. That’s not how I see it. I guess, for me people should say condolences. For her, congratulations are in order. I guess.
I’m kind of torn on how much personal stuff I should put here on this blog. On one hand, I don’t want it to be this emotional cry baby place, On the other hand I want to be able to come back in a year and know what was going on inside my head, something I can’t always do.
It’s another “use it or lose it” Friday, no plans, really.
Do you have a lot of friends? I do. I have friends I work with, I have friends I scuba dive with, I have friends I go to dinner with on Friday nights. I have friends “in the program”.
Friends as an adult seems different than friends I had when I was a child in school. With school friends, we would hang out after dinner and before dinner. We would talk on the phone 100 times a day. We were constantly in each other’s lives.
Somewhere along the line things changed,we’re friends, but there’s a distance, a subtle boundary, almost undetectable.
Years ago, my wife and I had an argument and she called her friends and I was painfully aware that I had nobody to call. Now, with this divorce going on, it never feels “right” to talk to my “friends” about it. If I do, I don’t feel good about it afterwards. Like some topics don’t fit in the “category” of our friendship. I feel like my only option is to talk to a stranger like a counselor, someone who is paid to do a job. And that doesn’t always do the trick either, I don’t get the connection, I don’t get whatever’s missing because the counselor or stranger doesn’t know the back story story, doesn’t know me, doesn’t know the people involved.
There’s lots of quotation marks in this post…
I guess I’m asking if you feel the same way? Do our friends and friendships get different as we get older? What changes? I’m thinking it has something to do with the creation of a new family, which I feel like I have lost recently.
Here’s a couple of pictures, one I took yesterday at my beach lunch and the other from this mornings dawg walk.
“Loneliness.”
There used to be rock going across what looks like a channel in the pic above. It’s on this blog somewhere but I can’t find it now. I took this pic while I was sitting in the shade, reading my book.
I love this view.
Above is where I walk the dogs every day. The view isn’t special when I walking in that direction, but I always try to look back when I’m on the way back home, it seems much better then. I don’t know why.
I went to the optometrist yesterday because I needed new glasses. My old glasses were horrible and I complained about them constantly and took them back several times. I went back to my original optometrist who agreed they were screwed up. Below are the glasses I should get in a couple weeks. Sorry I didn’t smile for the picture, I just wanted to see what they looked like. At the time, I didn’t think I would be posting the picture.
Also yesterday I was told that I have cataracts starting up in my right eye and probably glaucoma in my left. I have to go see a specialist and probably undergo surgery. Eye surgery is my greatest nightmare. But on another level I don’t even care.
My wife wants to meet with me Wednesday, I assume she wants to discuss divorce. I am full of fear and nervous and sad. But for about 5 minutes I imagined she might say she wants to come back home and I was really happy for about those 5 minutes. Then I woke up and shook myself out of it.
