Holy cow, that used to be my Walmart. I moved to Cayman from Chesapeake.
Damn.
Category Archives: insanity
Beat To Hell
It was a rough night last night. I couldn’t relax to sleep, worse than normal. I tried breathing exercises and I was so nervous it didn’t work. I listened to some audio meditations and couldn’t even hear them at times. I think most people wake up refreshed and sleep to recover from the day. I wake up beat to hell and spend the day trying to recover from my sleep.
It”s a holiday here today.
Bird On The Roof
this morning, when I went upstairs for my exercise, I found a pigeon-like bird on my roof. She didn’t fly away and I assumed she was injured. We walked around each other while I got her some water and did my exercises. After I was done, I picked up my exercise mat and she flew away with great flurry. I guess she wasn’t injured after all. I’ve had experiences where birds try to occupy my roof and try to aggressively keep me off the roof. That doesn’t work out so well for them. I hope this girl wasn’t looking for a place to build a nest. I cleaned up the poop and took the water away.
Had a relatively painless night last night. Slept pretty good and had ok thoughts while awake. I’ve heard it said it’s darkest before the dawn, but I find it hard to believe this b******* is me getting better.
Have a happy hump day!
a little ahead
It’s just past 6:30, seems I’m a little ahead of schedule this morning.
Last night was a rough night for me. Mentally, I was NOT sleeping, thinking along the lines of “what do I want? If I could have whatever I wanted, what would it be?”
i was drawing a blank. All I could come up with was wishing my wife never had left and that she could be happy. And that can never be anymore.
It was torturous, laying there, trying not to think. And it’s thinking about me, so it’s sickening self pity and self centered egotism. Disgusting on every facet
But I’m awake now and things are looking much better. Like every morning.
Have a great day!
Just In Time For The Hurricane,
The internet goes down at the house. Again on a Friday. It’s always a Friday…..
It looks like we’re going to have a hurricane pass by on Monday. This weekend is all up in the air over it.
i don’t have much to say today. I’m at work already Intermittent Internet at home..
Have a good weekend!
New World Record
This morning I picked my biggest pepper ever off my mutant plant. This is the plant seeded from the bell pepper seeds but the peppers are all shaped like the picture. They taste like bell peppers though. The other plant makes bell pepper shaped bell peppers.
Went to have a dental cleaning yesterday. She had her forearm on my chest and my head was touching her side. It occurred to me that “this is the first time I’ve felt anybody else’s body heat in probably two years. I think that’s why greeting hugs from friends don’t count as human contact.
Anyway, it was interesting.
Yesterday, it was raining and I took a lunchtime nap in my van. I think I slept really deep and hard. Tess good.
Last night I dreamed I was on the beach and the ex wife came walking by. She was wearing a modest black one piece Nike swimsuit and had a dog on a leash in her right hand and a yellow kitten in the crook of her left arm. I didn’t see the dog I was alone on the beach but scrambled to get away from the person sitting next to me as I stood up so she wouldn’t think we were together. The ex wife was smiling and looked happy and healthy. It was a pleasant dream and good to see her.
Today is a Wednesday, the weather is looking good. (West Bay (center of the universe) DID end up getting some good rain yesterday after all, if you read yesterdays post.) I expect today will be a snorkeling lunch hour.
Have a wonderful day.
break from reality
The party I went to Friday was a catastrophe. I went, and nobody was there. I was very uncomfortable. I only had three contacts and the only response to my messages before or during the event were from the one not going
I messaged, “What time will you be there?” “I’m here” , “I don’t see anyone” “are you here?” “I’m leaving” all without a response. Not receiving a reply beforehand, I was stressed going In.
The place had multilevel wood deck floors, all outside. There were stairs and ramps leading from level to level. Everything was wet from rain. Some of the ramps or stairs had no hand railings, and there was a dropoff to the level below. As soon as I walked in, this little kid violently crashed a two wheel scooter on the deck and although uninjured, was in quite a bit of pain as he was reprimanded by his adult. I thought, “just what I need, to be wiped out by a kid in a high speed scooter crash”. One more step, and I would have been in his crash zone. Wet slippery wood deck, no handrails, cliffs to fall off of. In hindsight, it was a bizarre place
Twice, down on the deck by the water, I thought people were talking to me, and I turned around, but I didn’t know them and they weren’t looking at me as they walked by.
i stayed 20 or 30 minutes, walking around the place half a dozen times, not seeing anyone. I left, disappointed, because I was really really REALLY looking forward to hanging out with some people and maybe making some friends out of some acquaintences. I got a soda from a waitress at the back of the bar who didn’t charge me. I leaned on an empty railing near there and sent my messages.
I left, thinking maybe it was cancelled via Facebook or something and I didn’t get the message.
The next morning, nightmare, the responses to my previous nights messages started coming in. My main contact arrived 8 minutes after I left. Everybody was there. I was told they saw me, walking around. Wondered why I didn’t come over. I was told the woman who the party was for said I made eye contact with her, and just walked on by. (Does this correspond with my perception of the people who walked by me?) I was also told they were at the back of the bar, the only placed I paused. That’s where I sent my messages from and got the soda, the rest of the time there, I was walking around. I didn’t recognize anybody.
Apparently, I was stressed (putting it mildly) about going alone. According to theory derived from the last year of counseling, I was operating on the amygdala, the lizard brain, no sensory information getting past it to the rest of my brain.
According to my counselor, I have spent a lot of my life trapped there. Brain unnecessarily stuck in fight or flight mode.This is the first time I’ve been aware of it though, albeit in hindsight.
Anyway life goes on, I haven’t seen anybody from there yet. (not that I’m aware of anyway, ha ha) I will today. I feel like now I have a reputation as a crazy person at the place I hoped would be a source of new friends.
Saturday and Sunday were great tho!
Loss Of Direction
Why do I meditate? Spiritual growth. Why do I want spiritual growth? I don’t know.
Do you miss your wife? Yes, constantly. What does it feel like, in your body, to miss your wife? I don’t know.
What does sadness feel like in your body? I feel it all the time but I don’t know.
What do you want to be when you grow up? I don’t know. What are you going to do when you retire?
Do you want a girlfriend? Yes. Why? I don’t know. Why does anyone want a partner? I don’t know.
At 62 years old, I know less than a teenager. But feel like I still want the same things as I did back then.
I don’t know what I’m doing. But I know this shit hasn’t been good enough for a long time, maybe forever. When I find the answers to these questions, there will be more, but it’s time for me to bust through the ceiling and continue to move onwards and upwards.
I Heard My Name.
The other weekend, like a freak, I was out standing in this tree I’m trying to heal. (The Otaheite Apple Tree, you’ve heard me talk about it). I’m standing in the tree, talking to it and looking for new growth like I do almost every day. My neighbor and his wife were outside too, although we couldn’t actually see each other.
All of a sudden I heard my wife’s voice call “Babe”. I stepped out of the tree. I looked around. That was my name. I heard it, where did my name come from? I remember every detail, the quality of the light, the texture of the side of the house, the too long grass and the weeds. I want to find my wife who called my name. I was walking, looking.
It must’ve taken me a full 60 seconds to figure out what was going on. In those 60 seconds I was either not human at all or fully human for he first time ever. There were no thinking words in my brain, no tangible thought. Time stopped. My name, I heard my name. I was on my way to provide anything the sayer of my name wanted.
After that long minute, it all started coming back to me. Wife’s long gone. Divorce final. It wasn’t my wife. It was the neighbors wife. Even when my wife was still here, my neighbors wife calling Babe sounded the same as my wife.
It wasn’t for me.
But the fact is, I heard my name. I heard my name for the first time in over a year. My name is Babe, and I miss hearing my name. I miss it real bad.
Duck Sauce Murder
This 51 year old in New York ordered Chinese Delivery, and killed the driver because he didn’t bring enough Duck Sauce. When the police were searching the man’s apartment, they found the refrigerator crammed full of the little duck sauce packets, as well as other condiments.
There’s an insanity plea for you… What a horrible reason to die.
damn…