It’s just past 6:30, seems I’m a little ahead of schedule this morning.
Last night was a rough night for me. Mentally, I was NOT sleeping, thinking along the lines of “what do I want? If I could have whatever I wanted, what would it be?”
i was drawing a blank. All I could come up with was wishing my wife never had left and that she could be happy. And that can never be anymore.
It was torturous, laying there, trying not to think. And it’s thinking about me, so it’s sickening self pity and self centered egotism. Disgusting on every facet
But I’m awake now and things are looking much better. Like every morning.
its a Wednesday and I’m drawing a blank for a post today. My meditation class has been over for a week but I’m still practicing daily. I seem to be in a better state of mind overall I guess.
i had a lot of weird dreams last night. A gear shifter on a large truck with the red knob alongside, thinking I should at least hang a picture in an empty room that had no furniture or windows. And all this stuff that I should read but the list kept getting longer and longer until it was impossible.
im expecting a quiet day at work today. One out sick and one on vacation. I have a ways to go before I get caught up at work. Next Monday I report again for jury doodie. (Yes, I spelled that how I intended) I’m thinking about wearing the exact same clothes and acting the exact same way so I hopefully won’t get picked again.
I’m feeling kind of grumpy this morning. Don’t even feel like posting. Slept ok, feel ok, little sore throat…Cat stole my chair. Dogs are good, everything is good. No reason for being cranky.
Wha wah crybaby.
i don’t know, I’m just going to work, follow the routine. Have a good day.
Today is our last day off for the Queens Jubilee. Looking forward to her 80th
It doesn’t seem like it was a long 4 day weekend.
It’s not cloudy now, and the wind isn’t howling , but it was all weekend. My friends who tried to go diving couldn’t, seas were too rough.
I did some yard work, I am making anti chicken covers for the planters out front . Just a screen lid really. Pictures of them coming later. Below is a picture of the plants in my house that I took this morning. There’s more in the picture than it looks like, and there’s more not in the picture. Lots more. I keep splitting them up so I can sell them, but I never see them
Friday the 13th is better than any Monday! Friday the 13th’s historically have been lucky days for me. As well as black cats.
It’s supposed to be rainy as well. It”s clear and sunny now. I put all my plants out last night, and if it doesn’t rain, my low light plants will get burnt. Hope not.
Also maybe I can get the housecleaning done that I FAILED to do last weekend!
In any case, have a lucky day and a fantastic weekend!
I have a very fixed, unvarying daily routine. I need to break up this routine. The way it is now, I go day after day after day and nothing changes. The days are identical. The routine doesn’t allow me to meet new people. Sometimes on weekends, I can go without contact with anyone at all.
Some parts of the routine are inflexible, like work and caring for the dogs, cats, plants and house. But I am trying to identify and alter the parts that are variable. That’s why I went to the yoga class the other day, and again last night. There’s people there!
That is.my mission, break the routine. I also notice that if I’m alone, I either feel like I should be doing something and am wasting time (my life) or I’m depressed feeling. The inside of my head alone is often not a pleasant to be.
Im all sad my visitors are gone. It’s back to work today. Below is a picture I took this morning on the dog walk. It looks how I feel.
I will be Okay once I get back to work and get going. Yesterday I cut the drywall and installed the box in the wall for my new internet ADSL line jack. Today I will probably run the cable. If it is not raining. It rained almost all day yesterday.
Below is part of a document I’m working on, something I’m investigating.
The lizard brain (amygdala) is located where the spine enters the brain. Its function is to take over the body and actions to ensure survival in times of danger. It operates the body in any way it deems necessary to survive. Near the front of our brain is the rational brain. It is our personality, who we are. Our social skills. Our experiences and memories and the things we learn in life. The rational brain runs the show when times are good, and communicates constantly with the lizard brain which learns things that might come in handy for survival.
The lizard brain learns from our rational brain, only in times without trauma. For example, when you learn to scuba dive, the lizard brain learns about scuba diving and how to stay alive in an emergency. I don’t think lizard brain learns from the scuba books we read, it learns from what experiences we have while diving. For example, a new diver may tend to panic and bolt for the surface if a problem is perceived underwater, but an experienced diver would not, because the lizard brain has learned from the rational brain during previous dives.
It seems as if there is a “trauma light” in the brain, when the trauma light comes on. The lizard brain takes over, the rational brain is cut off, and does not influence what we do or how we act. The light is on or off, there is no in between.
Trauma is trauma. If the trauma light is on, the lizard brain is running the body. If the trauma light is on, the lizard brain cannot learn new things, because it is disconnected from the rational brain. It cannot remember new names, cannot remember new details in a conversation. No new information is processed. When the trauma light is on, the lizard brain will do what it did last time, because it knows that it will survive taking this particular action. The lizard brain is modifiable only when the trauma light is NOT on.
There is no strong trauma or weak trauma. As far as the body is concerned, the trauma a combat veteran may feel hearing fireworks is no more or less than the trauma of a little kid who is afraid of clowns.
That’s probably the first quarter of the paper I’m working on. For what? I don’t know… I need to break up my routine. My counselor thinks I operate solely on my lizard brain almost all the time. In nearly constant fight or flight mode.
I got a new vacuum cleaner yesterday, it’s fantastic. It’s a shop vac that has more power, all the attachments and costs just over half what an inferior house model would cost. I’m very pleased with the purchase.
