Category Archives: by far my weirdest post

A Load O’ Random Crap

Posted on by

We are gathered here on this Thursday, payday (for me), the day before Friday, to celebrate the day that has the potential to be the greatest day (so far) this week.

I don’t know why I started out  like that, it was just in my head.

Yes, it is payday, yes it is Thursday, and yes, tomorrow is FRIDAY!!!!!

This morning I got up, took care of the animals, then got ready for work. Normally I get ready first. I’m wild and unpredictable like that, you never know what I’ll do.

image

Here’s a picture I jjust took of me with my grocery store granny glasses. They seem much better than my optometrist purchased bifocals. But I look so OLD!

The paint with the letters on my keyboard has worn off. My old high school typing teacher  would be so happy!

image

When I was forced against my will to take high school typing, the be-all end-all of typewriters was out. The IBM Selectric. That was it, no room for improvement. Now look at us, $18 keyboards with the paint worn off.

Anyway, I’m going to leave now, maybe eat some cereal and maybe drink more coffee. Sorry for wasting so much of your time this morning. Have a good day!

Worldwide Toilet Paper Boycott Training Video

Posted on by

one square[jwplayer mediaid=”10169″]

Now that the worldwide toilet paper boycott is in full swing, I have prepared a training video to help you through these hard times. “How to wipe your butt using only one square of toilet paper”.

As you can imagine, I fear I may receive threats from the TP manufacturers over this, therefore this will be my last communication on this subject.

Good luck! Stay strong!

What Is Cold Sea Sausage? And How Is It Used?

Posted on by

This morning when the alarm went off I was having a dream that I was in college, taking a test. The first question was “What is ‘cold sea sausage’, and how is it used? I was looking through my books and notes, trying to find the answer for so long that other people in the class were finishing the test. The college instructor was a US Marine, so nobody was really allowed to talk, but after a while, I asked out loud: “WTF is up with this first question?” Someone said it was a trick question.

Cold Sea SausageI woke up without reading the second question….What do you think of that dream? C’mon, don’t hold back.

In other news, I got my scooter back before lunch yesterday, and it seems to be running very well. They said that the bolt I found was not from my scooter and that they checked and all nuts and bolts seem to be in place. My Yamaha hero is back from vacation and the whole store is running smoothly again.

Yesterday, I don’t know what happened, I got up, did everything I normally do, and started heading to work. On the road were all the school kids. I thought “what thee bloody ‘ell is going on here?” and looked at my watch. I was a full half hour early. I don’t know why, but usually I barely have time to get everything done, and it’s time to go. Yesterday, I got everything done and went, and it was wayyyy early. Then I spent the morning wondering what I forgot to do.

It’s HUMP Day! Tomorrow is our 4 Year Wedding Anniversary. I have my wifes present sittin here on my table, in snowman wrapping paper. She just asked me, “What’s that Christmas present?” I said, without turning my head to see what she was talking about, or blinking or flinching, “What Christmas present?” Ha Ha!

Flashback Friday: Peeing on the Neighbors Porch

Posted on by

I couldn’t get on my blog this morning for a while, almost wish I hadn’t tried just now, because I’m running late. Glad it’s Friday though!

When I was little(r), we lived in Charleston South Carolina, in the USA. (That’s where my sister was born). I was probably 4 years old.

We had next door neighbors and I remember they had a female maid who smoked a mans big tobacco pipe. I remember turtles were common and frogs were rare. (everywhere else I’ve ever been, the opposite has been true). I remember putting Popsicle sticks in a snapping turtles face and he would crush the Popsicle stick, then I stuck my finger near his mouth and he bit me and I bled a lot, and I was thinking “That was a really stupid thing to do”.

Anyway: Our neighbors had a carport with about a 4 step staircase going up to the kitchen. Nobody was home, I thought, and I had to pee. I don’t know why I did it, I guess because I thought I wouldn’t get caught, but I remember thinking that it was a big inconvenience to go all the way inside my house next door to pee when I could just pee right there. So I did. I peed on their brick steps in their carport. As soon as I was done, somebody came outside. Apparently someone was home. I don’t remember if it was the maid or one of the family. (my Mom knows their names still)

But whoever it was asked why I peed on the porch. I said that their “dog did it.” I vaguely remember their dog, a brown lab I think. Also I think it was the mommy of the house that came out.

Anyway, .. She said “Honey, the dog ran away last week” I remember pausing, thinking “Ya know, I haven’t seen that dog in a while…” I think the man of the house was there too, I remember him looking at me when she said the dog ran away.

Anyway- Busted. I had to scrub their porch with a bucket of soapy water and a scrub brush. I remember the bucket was yellow, and the suds were bright white and the water was warm.

soapy-scrub-brush-and-bucketI don’t remember why I did it, I wasn’t mad at anyone or anything that I remember. I just thought it would be easier than going all the way inside and didn’t think anyone would know I did it.

Running really late, gotta go! Have a good weekend!

Wild wet windy weedy weekend

Posted on by

Wello. Another Monday is upon us. Here was a not-too-bad weekend. Saturday The Wife and I went shopping, and got some Bougainvillaea bushes and a new pan for cooking.

Tri-Ply+Stainless+Steel+12'+Stir+Fry+with+Cover

It’s a “Stir Fry” don’t call it a wok

I can’t remember what else we got. We stopped by the cigar store and I smoked one there. I meant to get a box to go, but somehow it slipped my mind. I looked at a box, good price, but only 12 cigars in a box. I like boxes with 25. We also looked at a new washer and dryer. (Uh on, the Wifes Brain wheels are spinnin’ like crazy, I can tell)… She got the whole thing planned out.

Then we came home, and I watched a little football. (I don’t give a rats ass after the Redskins coach murdered his team) The results and my hopes for next week are below.

NFL Odds Divisional Playoff Games - NFL Football Odds NFL Odds AFC NFC

I guess I gotta go for Baltimore. I hate all the other teams. I had a hard time picking San Francisco over Atlanta because I dislike them both immensely. SanFran because I thought Joe Montana was a weenie. Atlanta, because I’ve always disliked them. But I picked San Fran because of number 7 on their team. Don’t know his name. He was running and making some good plays. The winner of these two games plays the Super Bowl. Whoopie.

Sometime I have to tell you my NFL team philosophy, It’s quite insane.

Sunday I planted the bougainvillaeas in our solid bedrock yard. I tried using my one inch masonry drill to loosen up the ground and got it stuck solid in the ground. Then I had to use a pickaxe to get it free. Damn bougainvillaeas better grow.

And it rained Sunday, and we had a big power failure and I put houseplants outside and it immediately quit raining before they could get wet. AGAIN, like always.

That’s it for today, this dang post is too dang long!

Did You Know?

Posted on by

Did you know that coffee is mostly water? This morning I got up, made coffee, showered, walked the dawgs and fed the cats. Then I came to  get a cuppa coffee, and there was none! Apparently I forgot to put the water in. There was coffee, the filter, the pot, the hot surface everything you need for coffee but water. I never really knew that coffee making was such a component critical process. I mean, I had 99% of the ingredients and got NOTHING. Dang.

IN other news

Last night there was a huge whiny ruckus outside that I thought was a catfight. The dogs and my wife ran outside on the back porch, I was ready to head downstairs and hit the floodlights. ‘Bout the time I reached the top of the stairs, The Wife starts calling me so I go out. There’s a big frog, crying like a human baby. Apparently DItto the Destroyer was messing with it. I grabbed him by one leg to throw him overboard and that frog started screaming again. Talk about freaky! I never heard anything like that before. Horror movie sounds. Anyway, we never heard another peep after that.

BTK was here for supper last night, good to see her, but she was gone again at breakfast this morning.

Here’s my  Tuesday NFL results and hopes for next week. Skins had a bye. At least they didn’t lose. again

I should have mowed the yard but didn’t. Yesterday I looked and thought “Not too bad, it can wait another week”. This morning I looked at the yard and said, “Dang!”

Have a good week. It’s the first workday of the week, so it’s monday with a small “m” no matter what day it really is.

Interesting Morning

Posted on by

Woke up this morning, which is always good. And it’s Friday, which is also good. Went to walk the dogs and feed the cats.

How come it gets light a long time before the sun comes up, but when the sun goes down, it seems to get dark almost immediately?

So, I walked the dogs, uneventful, unless you count that they both laid down some really nice big stinkies. I didn’t take pictures.

Then I fed the cats. One missing. Lee. Where’s Lee? She never misses a meal. Oh well.

cat and rat

Dishing out the cat food, and I see Lee coming out of the woods with a rat. A big one. She has him in her mouth and he’s dragging on the ground. She lays the rat down and sits in the yard, contemplating what to do. “Do I leave my catch and go eat cat food, or stay with my prize?” She comes to eat. I go check out the rat. It’s huge, as big as my foot, nose to tail. Laying in the grass. Still breathing, undamaged looking.

I hear the puck puck puck of chicken beak hitting cat bowl. Puck puck puck rhymes with fuck fuck fuck and cluck cluck cluck. What the Effin’ Hell. If I don’t sit and guard these cats while they eat, the chickens come and steal their food. What kind of cat would let a chicken steal his or her food? All of them apparently.

So

I leave the rat and approach the cat bowls, to scare the (2) chickens away so the cats can eat. One chicken runs off as I get near. The other SteeeU-Pid clucker stays there and continues to puck puck puck at the cat food.

I swatted that chicken on the back same as smacking a bad dog on the ass. She took off in a cloud of feathers and a cacophony of squalking.

Dammit. THAT woke The Wife up. But it was fun. I’ve heard of choking chickens and spanking monkeys…. does this count?

Now back to the rat. Lee the cat, done eating, shows no interest in the rat anymore. What am I going to do? Squish it with a brick? Stab it with a stick? Just leave it there? Nurse it back to health? The answer to all those questions is no.

I got one of my work gloves, Mikey Jackson would have been proud. I go to the unconscious panting rat and pick it up by the tail. Oh yeah, playin’ possum for sure. The rat started squirming around and I was glad rats can’t do sit-ups with their tails.

I walk and walk. Through the vacant lot next door, past the new house construction site. Across the street. The rat quit squirming and seems quite interested in this trip. Beady eyes looking around, whiskers twitching. Cute giant rat. Across the next street and drop the rat by the side of the road. Now he’s playing possum again, c’mon dude.

And then I came back home.

And that was all before my first cuppa coffee.

Have a good puck puck pucking weekend!

Show and Tell

Posted on by
A long time ago, I got no less than an obsession to obtain and possess a can of Spam. This obsession was so great, that after a period of futile resistance, I finally succumbed and purchased this very can. Like I said, it was long long ago. So long ago that I can’t even remember how long. But if I had to guess, I’d say…. Ohhh…. I rekkon it was, Uuuuhhhh, Just guessing. Let me think……Off the top of my head…. Probably roughly about, ummmmm, April 19th, 1988.
The other day I thought of it, wondered if I still had it. I do, in the bottom drawer of my nightstand.
I can’t very well throw it away, now can I? What if I DID get rid of it, then someday I have a hankering for a can of Spam again? I never had any desire to eat the stuff. I had some once, in Hawaii. I didn’t think it was much good. I’m pretty sure this can would be OK to eat, as far as Spam goes, if someone did want to eat it. Besides, I might need it, if the “Big One” ever hits….

Anyway, I just figured, as long as we’re reading each others blogs, trying to get to know about each other, that you needed to know about my can of Spam.
I’ve embedded a Monty Python video about Spam. On a historical note, this video is actually older than my can of Spam.
embedded by Embedded Video

YouTube Direkt
Actually I have thought about getting rid of my can of Spam. The only way I would get rid of it is if I found someone born on April 19, 1988. I’d give it to them.
I’m a little worried about this post, I worry that they men in the white suits might come and put me in one of those jackets with the really really long sleeves and toss me in one of those rooms with cushioning all over the floor and walls……..

94950